yet another bad news

I may have lung cancer. Just learned this a while ago when I visited my Oncologist this afternoon. Honestly, I kind of expected this na ever since the day my pathologist revealed to my family that my tumor necrosis is only 20% (given the of average 80% -90%). According to my doctor, I am a record holder in their book because I am their only patient EVER who has responsed this badly to their treatments. So yeah, my doctor told me that I will not be undergoing the originally planned 4 chemotherapies anymore. Instead, I would have to take 6 more as a way to cure the problem.

Naturally, I didn’t take the news lightly. I honestly felt devastated. I was in shocked from the time it was revealed to me upto the time I got home. I even shed a few tears while I was still in the clinic. I guess it was just my initial reaction to my new situation. Things did even get worse when I was already in the car. I just cried heavily. No one could stop me from crying. No words of encouragement lightened up my feelings at that time. I just couldn’t help it. Thinking that I may not have a life ahead of me destroys me big time. I have always thought and believed that I will surpass this circumstance. But now, I don’t know. I still need to have a CT-SCAN to verify the spread of my cancer cells though, so it’s not really 100% sure yet. But if the spread has really occured, then probably I would raise the white flag already. Based on what I’ve read in the internet and what was told to me by my doctors, once the cancer cells spread, especially with the type of cancer that I have now, my cancer would be much harder to cure. And if ever I decide to still fight it, the drugs that will be used on me would be more aggressive, which would then affect my whole body and my mental state badly.

And if I were to die with this sickness, I don’t seriously want to die in pain. I don’t want to allow my body to suffer more from chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is hard, just so you know. I just want to try to make the most of my time with my family and friends. So yeah, that’s pretty much what I want. But I’m sure that my parents wouldn’t agree. But anyway, I’m just hoping for the best now.

I may have lung cancer. Just learned this a while ago when I visited my Oncologist this afternoon. Honestly, I kind of expected this na ever since the day my pathologist revealed to my family that my tumor necrosis is only 20% (given the average of 80% -90%). According to my doctors, I am a record holder in their book because I am their only patient EVER who has responsed this badly to their treatments. So yeah, my doctor told me that I will not be undergoing the originally planned 4 chemotherapies anymore. Instead, I would have to take 6 more as a way to cure the problem.

Naturally, I didn’t take the news lightly. I honestly felt devastated. I was in shocked from the time it was revealed to me upto the time I got home. I even shed a few tears while I was still in the clinic. I guess it was just my initial reaction to my new situation. Things did even get worse when I was already in the car. I just cried heavily. No one could stop me from crying. No words of encouragement lightened up my feelings at that time. I just couldn’t help it. Thinking that I may not have a life ahead of me destroys me big time. I have always thought and believed that I will surpass this circumstance. But now, I don’t know. I still need to have a CT-SCAN to verify the spread of my cancer cells though, so it’s not really 100% sure yet. But if the spread has really occured, then probably I would raise the white flag already. Based on what I’ve read in the internet and what was told to me by my doctors, once the cancer cells spread, especially with the type of cancer that I have now, my cancer would be much harder to cure. And if ever I decide to still fight it, the drugs that will be used on me would be more aggressive, which would then affect my whole body and my mental state badly.

And if I were to die with this sickness, I don’t seriously want to die in pain. I don’t want to allow my body to suffer more from chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is hard, just so you know. I just want to try to make the most of my time with my family and friends. So yeah, that’s pretty much what I want. But I’m sure that my parents wouldn’t agree. But anyway, I’m just hoping for the best now.

anatomical cravings

Can you find me the person who has these:

BRAIN that will never cease to believe in me 
EYES that will see me beyond my imperfections 
EARS that will listen and understand 
TONGUE that will whisper I care 
HANDS that will join me in prayers 
HEART that will love me unconditionally 
ARMS that will protect me from harm
FEET that will join me in my journey steadily 

Ok, emo much?! Don’t mind me. I just feel like I deserve more – that I deserve someone better. Or maybe I’m just missing someone so much right now. But anyway, it’s so hard to demand when things are not out in the open. So, nevermind. I  just want to rant.

dreadful mri result

“As compared with the pre-neoadjuvant chemotherapy MRI from Makati Medical Center in February 2009, there is no significant interval change in the percentage/degree of necrosis within the osteosarcoma. In addition, the size of the tumor has increased (from 4.5 x 5.8x 8.5 cm to 4.5 x 6.4 x 10 cm). The findings are consistent with poor response to chemotherapy.”

I really am saddened by this result. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless again.

an hour of desperation

March 18, 2009

Only yesterday did I realize the value of an hour.

Yes, to some people, an hour is just another 60 minutes that can be taken for granted or can be wasted by basically playing video games enthusiastically, by sleeping in class until the bell rings, or by sleeping while dreaming of being the next James Bond.

And yesterday, it really frustrated me to know that I don’t have that hour anymore to spend more time with my friends. My dad called me up and said that he was already about to fetch me because I need to be admitted to the hospital immediately. And I panicked so much because I have not been able to say goodbye to most of my friends. And it really, really made me feel bad. I was really upset and was angry at my dad for not giving me the chance to be with my friends for the last time in a normal situation. Now that I’ll be stopping my schooling for about a year, the thought of not being able to see my friends frequently destroys me.

I just wished that I had than 1 hour or more to say my goodbyes and my see you laters. But oh well…as the cliché goes, “There’s always a next time.” So I guess I’ll just have to wait for that time.

Anyway, have to rest now. I need to be perfectly healthy and strong before my first chemotherapy. Till next time! 🙂

overwhelming futility

I’m tired.

Been out of the blogosphere for quite some time now and I still can’t figure out the reason why I’ve been having a hard time trying to express myself in words. Even right now, I actually don’t know what to write. This month has been literally and emotionally tiring and depressing for me. And it sucks to know that my energy has been consumed so much that I can’t think rationally anymore. Add to that the fact that my mood swings are back. I know I’ve been a little different lately and I’m aware that the change has not been for the better, that’s why I would like to apologize for all my pointless ranting and irrational behaviors. I hope February would be a better month. It’s my birth month anyway. I’m really excited for my birthday! My past three birthdays have literally sucked and i don’t want another year of that kind.

Anyway, enough of this. I’m making nonsensical arguments again. Bye.

lose control

Today is officially a bad day for me. For one, I was not able to go to school because my alarm failed to wake me up, yet again. I was supposed to give the umbrella back to Nikole because he left it yesterday. However, since I woke up so freaking late, I think I will only be able to return it back to him when we meet again, which is probably next year because he will be off to China with some of my blockmates on the 17^th.

Anyway, since school has already been crossed out in my to-do list, I just instead went to the salon to have my stylist cut my 3-month old, long, bulky and irritating hair. Upon arriving, my stylist asked me about what I want to do with my hair. I clearly told him that I want it to be short, but not too short. Then he just smiled and started cutting. And after some 25 magical minutes of styling and cutting, my hair is finally short. The bad part though is the fact that my stylist cut it too short. Like really, really short! And I hate it. I was like panicking after seeing the result. But there’s nothing I can do about it, so I just immediately left the salon after paying for my haircut.  (Ok now I’m regretting the fact that I still gave him a tip even if he was too deaf and stupid to comprehend what I ordered him to do with my hair. Ugh.) Anyway, after leaving the salon, I hurriedly went to the restroom to fix my hair on my own. But unfortunately, it’s too short that I can’t even style it.

Dammit! I’m really just so irritated with how things went out today. Honestly, I just want to scream right now so as to release the negative energies flowing inside my body. I seriously cannot imagine things to get a lot worse anymore. I badly need to sidetrack my attention on something else in order to feel better. I guess I’ll just resort to eating and sleeping. A bum’s life is, without a doubt, always a good cure anyway.