tales of a sober lad

August 24, 2009

missing a lot

54450_16522_d36b1394bd_pI miss buying grocery stuff with my family.I miss lifting grocery bags from the car’s trunk to the kitchen. I miss buying Country Style donuts before my TREDTRI class. I miss buying french toast in the morning and eating it during class. I miss staying at the LS benches before class starts. I miss staying at the Conservatory when I get to school in the morning. I miss seeing my friends at the Amphi theater when classes are all over. I miss my long walks with Ken and Tabs. I miss taking pictures with friends. I miss joking around with friends practically anytime and anywhere we feel like joking around. I miss drinking alcoholic drinks with friends in Trinoma. I miss using my laptop in the Conservatory. I miss the free WiFi in school. I miss Mildred’s Chicken Barbeque. I miss Flaming Wings’ Chicken Tenders. I miss Reyes’ Barbeque’s Chicken and Pork Barbeque. I miss Greenplace, EGI, Lair and Agno. I miss my Mercury Drug in EGI. Still can’t recall the real name of the store. Haha. I miss riding the cab with my friends on the way to Glorietta/Greenbelt/Shang. I miss the days when Vickie, Patrick and I would ride the cab in the afternoon from school to Fort just to hang out. I miss going home from Fort, Rockwell, Shang, Glorietta and Greenbelt in a cab. I miss riding the jeepney with Ken from Glorietta or Greenbelt. I miss eating at Greenbelt 1’s McDonald’s. I miss riding the jeepney from school. I miss riding Kenneth’s car. I miss having what-to-wear-today problems. I miss panicking in the morning because the shirt/pants that I want to wear is not ironed yet. I miss looking for my underwears in the morning. LOL. I miss being with family on Sunday masses. I miss going to the mall on Sundays after the mass. I miss lurking around the mall looking for new clothes to buy. I miss my People are People-Zara-Springfield routine whenever I’m in Glorietta. I miss my Topman-Zara-People are People-Springfield routine whenever I’m in Rockwell Powerplant. I miss saving my allowances just to be able to buy another cool shirt/pants/shoes/haircut. I miss having my haircut. I miss staying at Starbucks in Rockwell, 1st floor with friends. I miss studying in Coffee Bean, Robinson’s Place. I miss my Dairy Queen escapades with friends. I miss watching movies with friends. I miss going home late at night because I practically have to go home from Trinoma or somewhere else that’s too far from home. I miss riding the bus from Trinoma to Guadalupe. I miss riding the LRT from Taft to EDSA. I miss riding the MRT from EDSA to Ayala/Guadalupe/Shang /Trinoma. I miss sleeping in hotels with friends for free. Always thanks to Kevin’s dad. I miss Ira’s Fontana Birthday. Everyone I miss now was there. I miss doing study groups at Kenneth’s house. I miss being tutored by JP. I miss doing thesis. I miss it, not love it. I miss sleeping late because of paper works. I miss doing MICREC problem sets. I miss playing badminton professionaly. I miss doing stage plays. I miss all my friends, seriously. Haven’t seen most of them for quite some time already. Generally speaking, I miss my old life.

P.S. My CT Scan results were negative. I don’t have lung cancer. Yey! 😀 At least good things are still happening to me after all this crap. Hehe.

July 17, 2009

the inconvenient truth

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , , , — crossedfingers @ 3:39 pm
One of the things in life that we can’t preclude aside from death and change is the truth. Some of us, if not all,
may have had our fair share of experiences wherein we tried to conceal the truth from others. We may have our
own different intentions for doing such secrecy, but regardless of our intentions’ nature, we all have failed. And to
those who up to now are successful in fooling others, soon enough everything will be out in the open. It may take
weeks, months, even years, for the truth to be hidden, but no matter how hard we try to keep the secret veiled,
the truth shall find its own way to be discovered.
So one piece of advice, as soon as possible, unconver the facts to those concerned. Many might get hurt, but that
should be expected. It is really hard to accept the truth, most especially when it has to with a lot of people close
to you. But people are forgiving. Just remember that. It’s part of our human nature. Some may take a while to
forgive, but indubitably, in time, all will be well. Explain everything lucidly and just wait for their acceptance and
forgiveness. Who knows, the people around you may have thought about it being existent beforehand and have
somehow accepted the possibility for it to be true. Wouldn’t that be easier for everyone?
Although speaking about the truth would really require someone to have a vast amount of courage. We won’t be
hiding it in the first place if we know that there’s a possibility for us to be worse off, right? So think about it. And I
mean it. Don’t ponder about it once or twice, but as many time as possible because when the truth reveals itself,
surely, you’ll be in trouble. Just remember: truth hurts, but not knowing will always and forever be harder.

One of the things in life that we can’t preclude aside from death and change is the truth. Some of us, if not all, may have had our fair share of experiences wherein we tried to conceal the truth from others. We may have our own different intentions for doing such secrecy, but regardless of our intentions’ nature, we all have failed. And to those who up to now are successful in fooling others, soon enough everything will be out in the open. It may take weeks, months, even years, for the truth to be hidden, but no matter how hard we try to keep the secret veiled, the truth shall find its own way to be discovered.

So one piece of advice, as soon as possible, unconver the facts to those concerned. Many might get hurt, but that should be expected. It is really hard to accept the truth, most especially when it has to with a lot of people close to you. But people are forgiving. Just remember that. It’s part of our human nature. Some may take a while to forgive, but indubitably, in time, all will be well. Explain everything lucidly and just wait for their acceptance and forgiveness. Who knows, the people around you may have thought about it being existent beforehand and have somehow accepted the possibility for it to be true. Wouldn’t that be easier for everyone?

Although speaking about the truth would really require someone to have a vast amount of courage. We won’t be hiding it in the first place if we know that there’s a possibility for us to be worse off, right? So think about it. And I mean it. Don’t ponder about it once or twice, but as many time as possible because when the truth reveals itself, surely, you’ll be in trouble. Just remember: truth hurts, but not knowing will always and forever be harder.

June 8, 2009

startling quiz

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , , — crossedfingers @ 10:12 am

Every now and then, whenever I get bored, I take quizzes that people in Facebook want me to take. And surprisingly, I took a quiz here and the results really amazed me. It is so because it showed MOSTLY everything about me. Here are the results:

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They’ll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

MY COMMENT: I only hide my true self to people I don’t genuinely know yet. I have trust issues, which could explain my behavior. But I’m pretty sure that I have already showed my true identity to my friends.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don’t judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren’t necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people’s eyes.

MY COMMENT: Well, before I was definitely the most superficial person in our group. But as days pass, I have learned how to appreciate the concept of simplicity. And this can be proven by the people I have liked lately. LOL.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

MY COMMENT: I couldn’t agree more!!!

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren’t interested in wasting time with people you don’t really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

MY COMMENT: The first statement is 100% true. However, I have a problem with the next one. Apparently, my bestfriend told me that I easily fall in love, whether or not the person I’m in love with is the right one. Anyway, I personally think that there’s no way for any of us to determine the rightness of the person we love, right?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

MY COMMENT: Need I say more? I really got depressed when I left school, so I guess that would already prove how much I value education.

The right job for you:

You’re a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you’ll be set for life.

MY COMMENT: This is actually true. I really, really want a job which I really, really like. Really. Haha. But honestly, as long as I find the right job for me, I would definitely settle with it.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

MY COMMENT: I firmly believe that success will come to those who try HARD. So, I’m glad to get this result because I’m the type who would not stop until I get what I want.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don’t ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

MY COMMENT: Whenever I feel like I’m in trouble, or is just about to get into trouble, I make it a point to talk to some of my closest friends. And it’s funny to see this result because this is so true. 

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

MY COMMENT: I have to agree with the second statement. I really have bad mood swings. But I think my mood swings have gone better ever since I entered college. However, I still think that I’m moody. And for the last statement, well…it’s true again because I’m almost always paranoid and awkward. My calmness and stillness are always asymptotic to level zero.

Although to some of you, these tests appear to be spurious, I think you’ll be surprised by what they might actually tell you. It won’t hurt you anyway if you’ll try, right? Like in my case, I happen to be amazed by what the results have shown me. So why not go give it a shot! You, too, might be surprised by your own results.

June 4, 2009

looking back

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , , , , , — crossedfingers @ 5:21 pm

looking backI have been in a roller coaster ride lately. And I feel like I would pass out any minute now. But thanks to an old blog entry, I have gained back my composure and my sanity. So yeah, I just want to share one of the entries that I have made last December which could really summarize my predicament these past few weeks.

Click here to read the entry. 

A(H1N1) Update 2

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — crossedfingers @ 6:52 am

thinking

Just today, a second case of the notorious virus, A(H1N1) Influenza virus, has been confirmed at the De La Salle University – Manila. The new victim is a 20-year old male graduate school student who is believed to be the roommate of the first victim, who is a 19-year old female Japanese exchange student. The two is believed to live in the same dormitory and share the same four classes.

 This is not good news to all Lasallians because the names of the two victims are still not disclosed. I understand the reason for not disclosing their names, but how would the students know if they had any interaction with these victims if in the first place, they are not aware of their names? But oh well, I guess we just have to be more careful now. I just feel sorry for these two victims and I just hope they’ll get well soon.

June 3, 2009

A(H1N1) Update

afraidOh no! Classes will be suspended from June 4-14 in my school (DLSU) because there is this one International girl student who brought the scary A(H1N1) Influenza virus to school. I mean, she could have brought to school some lovely souvenirs for her friends and the other people, right? But instead, she brought the globally recognized notorious virus to school! Come on! Honestly, I feel sad for her because she has the virus, but a part of me hates her because now my friends are at risk of carrying the virus as well. I just hope no one else got infected by the virus. *crosses fingers

May 31, 2009

i’m back

Filed under: Random — Tags: , — crossedfingers @ 2:28 pm

loveSo yeah, I’ve been out of the blogosphere for quite a while and it’s primarily due to the lack of inspiration to write. A lot has happened lately and enumerating every single thing would be like counting sand, so I would rather not go to that direction. But anyway, little by little, the desire and the need to write are slowly coming back to me and I’m seriously loving it.

Well to be honest, I’m happy right now. Whether or not this feeling would move at an increasing rate is still in question, but I just want to think and believe that it would. Anyway, I think it’s always better to be optimistic, right? So basically, I just want to share that I’m very happy right now because someone’s making me happy. I’m not quite sure if that person is aware of the impact that that person is bringing on me given my situation, but I would like to believe that that person does know. Because after all, I have showed every sign that I could deliver to show my happiness to that person. Ugh ok I’ll stop talking na. I don’t want to be too happy. Too much is not good sometimes anyway.

Till then!

March 24, 2009

iCANCERvive

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , , , — crossedfingers @ 8:56 am

March 17, 2009

I’m sick.

Actually, I have been sick in the past three months. It’s just not that apparent because I try to hide my ailment from everyone because I really hate it when people see me in my weakest form or when people think that I am too fragile. That is why only those who are really close to me know my real situation. But now, I think I can’t hide it anymore. I just cannot pretend that everything is fine when in reality, I’m deeply wounded. My physical appearance undoubtedly conceals my true condition. There are still a lot of people who think that I just got into an accident, which would explain my use of crutches. Little do they know that I’m just trying to make myself look not sick because I feel awkward whenever people stare at me whenever I walk in a room. Those piercing glances honestly make me feel bad. It’s as if I’m this person who is carrying a very deadly disease to the point that they would do everything just to get themselves away from me. But what can I do? I didn’t wish to be in this position. I didn’t choose to be here. If it had been in my way, I would choose to continue my studies and graduate on time, to be with my friends and act like everything’s perfect, and to be the same old James that I used to be.

At the age of 19, I never thought that I would be diagnosed of having Osteosarcoma. It is the most common bone cancer, which I happen to possess. To be quite honest, it really came to me as a bad surprise when I learned about my condition because I was perfectly healthy prior to my diagnosis. I have been happy and joyful all my life. All my friends and relatives can attest to that. That is why it really makes me sad whenever I think about my condition.

As bad as it may sound, there were really times when I’m in the car then I get to see this person who’s completely homeless lying on the street, then I would just think to myself “Why me? Why not this guy who has relatively nothing much to lose?” Then I would just be left blank; not knowing what to feel. Yeah, I know it’s so selfish and cruel of me to ponder such thing. But I guess the whole cancer thing has not sunk in my mind yet. So, forgive me.

I have also come to realize, now that I’m in this position that we do really tend to forget about how great life is, and how much life has blessed us. Only in times of desperation and desolation do we begin to look back at the things that made our lives special and memorable. Before, I really just value only a limited number of friends because I’m a person who has immense trust issues. I only honestly trust people who I feel comfortable with. But now that I’m out of school, I regret not spending time with most of my friends. I was in this bubble which has prevented me from opening up to other people, and I really, really, seriously regret it.

And now, all I can say is that I’m full of regrets. There are a number of things that I wished I could have done, or could have tried doing, but instead I turned around and backed out. Even if I’m still at the starting point of my treatment, I think I have learned quite a few interesting things already, and I’m excited to learn more as I reach the finish line. And I hope I reach that end point smoothly. That is why I’m securely keeping my fingers crossed till I reach that much awaited point.

But on another note, I feel scared. In the coming weeks, I will be undergoing a series of therapies and a major surgery that could definitely change my whole life. And I am honestly petrified because I think my body and mind are not yet prepared for the changes that are about to happen. When asked by people, I always say that I am ready, but to be really, really honest, I am not. These treatments are very crucial, though vital. But I can’t help but think the of possible bad outcomes that may happen. And I’m scared. I have plans for myself before all this happened, and now I feel like everything has been obliterated in an instant. And I seriously don’t know how to rebuild those plans again because I don’t know where to start, and how to start it. But as my friend would remind me, “Just cross the bridge when you get there.” So, I guess I’ll just do that.

Anyway, I have to rest now. Till next time! 🙂

December 26, 2008

letter from a broken lad

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , — crossedfingers @ 4:04 pm

geer_letter_650Before, you said that we’re good. And I just remained quiet. No questions asked. No further arguments. You just said that we’re already good. But what the hell does that mean? Be more specific. Be clearer. Say what you really mean. Just please don’t beat around the bush. You know I would understand. There is a lot of time in this world, but some things are not just meant to take THAT long. So please, I’m begging. Be more direct. Say what you feel and I would, with no any hard feeling, accept whatever it is that you would want to say. I just want things to be more cleared up. I don’t want to play games with you anymore. I’m tired, just so you know. I don’t want to spend my night thinking about our should haves, could haves, and might haves. I want everything to be laid flat and transparent so that there would be no need to assume, to expect, and to get hurt.

And now, it’s different. I’m not sure if it was me who has changed or it is you who did. But either way, I don’t like this change. Things aren’t the same anymore. And I know you know it. But as to whether you like this change or not is still a big mystery to me, so please speak up. Or at least make me feel your side.

And why the sudden change? That’s all I want to know. Speak to me even for a bit. I just want to know. Am I asking for too much? Is IT too much? Please. Answer me. I just need you to enlighten me, to clear my mind, and to allow me to digest every single bit of this situation.

But I guess this is going nowhere. It seems that you have already made up your mind. So I guess that’s basically it. No more phone calls and no more small talks. Just plainly no communication at all.

I’m not sure if our paths would ever cross again. But hey, I would still look forward to seeing you in the future. And maybe, by then, things would be better. But again, I don’t want to keep my hopes high because it would only make me more prone to more failed expectations. And I can’t take any more pain. I believe I have endured enough. Taking in more of such would probably be my instant ticket to the crazy world that people like you have founded. So again, I’m asking you wholeheartedly to make things easier for me. Just be forward. That’s all I’m asking. Nothing more, nothing less. And let’s just see where it would take us.

December 19, 2008

emotional glitches

Filed under: Random — Tags: , , , — crossedfingers @ 7:27 am

depression

Just a random thought:

Those people who are angry at each other about silly things are usually the ones who care about each other the most.

When you start to feel something special for someone, it’s as if a new person is born. Your mood will be better, your attitude would be improved and your outlook towards life would be reformed. It’s as if everything seems great that all you could wish for is to be with the person you like and just wish for the time to stop so you could savour every moment you have with that person.

However, what if it’s the other way around? Instead of becoming better, you start to become cynical. All you do is doubt whether or not that person would ever truly like you back and just hate yourself for admiring that person too much that you tend to forget that there are still other people who could make you happy.

Now what if this is the case? Would you still continue on with your feelings? Or would you just hold your breath for a while, think of the situation carefully, sort things out and try to decide the best move that could take you to normalcy again?

Which one would you prefer?

As for me, the former would be the easier option. However, a lot of complications go with it. It is so because if you continue to like a person who is not clear with his/her feelings with you, then chances are that person may not feel the same way as you do. And in effect, you would just be hurt enormously just like randomly getting hit on the head by a falling rock which came from nowhere. But if you’re lucky enough, and you found out that the person you like has romantic feelings for you as well, then you just made the right move. You’ll probably end up happy and you guys would probably be together.

As for the latter option, a lot of time is needed in order to do this. Not only that, determination and guts are also highly essential. It is so because when a person would want to move on from an unrequited love, or from a wrong relationship, a lot of guts and focus are needed. Inevitably, it’s hard to say goodbye to a person that has been a part of our life. That is why when you want to move on; you have to prepare yourself for a rocky adventure.

Moving on is not easy. I bet many would agree. It takes a lot of thinking, focus and determination. For some, they try to move on by focusing on other things, trying to distract themselves from the root cause of their sadness. They would engage themselves in activities that could temporarily extinguish their sadness, though in reality, it’s just a way for them to cloud their true feelings. But for me, I guess it’s all a matter of being with my closest friends and enjoying their company so as to forget the feeling of loneliness and depression that might have been bugging me.

So you see, it’s not easy to be in love. It’s even more complicated than being single at all. But come to think of it, why are there still a million, even a billion of billion of people, who are courageously trying to be in love when in the end, when their relationship fails, all they do is cry, that they just tend to isolate themselves from other people and just contain their unwanted feelings? Well, I guess it’s more about experiencing a love that is greater than ordinary love. But again, what makes the two different when in both ways, you will still be loved?

Anyway, I think I’ll just pretend to be asleep now because my body is definitely killing me. Or maybe I’ll just bum around here and probably feed myself with some good food.

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