anatomical cravings

Can you find me the person who has these:

BRAIN that will never cease to believe in me 
EYES that will see me beyond my imperfections 
EARS that will listen and understand 
TONGUE that will whisper I care 
HANDS that will join me in prayers 
HEART that will love me unconditionally 
ARMS that will protect me from harm
FEET that will join me in my journey steadily 

Ok, emo much?! Don’t mind me. I just feel like I deserve more – that I deserve someone better. Or maybe I’m just missing someone so much right now. But anyway, it’s so hard to demand when things are not out in the open. So, nevermind. I  just want to rant.

an hour of desperation

March 18, 2009

Only yesterday did I realize the value of an hour.

Yes, to some people, an hour is just another 60 minutes that can be taken for granted or can be wasted by basically playing video games enthusiastically, by sleeping in class until the bell rings, or by sleeping while dreaming of being the next James Bond.

And yesterday, it really frustrated me to know that I don’t have that hour anymore to spend more time with my friends. My dad called me up and said that he was already about to fetch me because I need to be admitted to the hospital immediately. And I panicked so much because I have not been able to say goodbye to most of my friends. And it really, really made me feel bad. I was really upset and was angry at my dad for not giving me the chance to be with my friends for the last time in a normal situation. Now that I’ll be stopping my schooling for about a year, the thought of not being able to see my friends frequently destroys me.

I just wished that I had than 1 hour or more to say my goodbyes and my see you laters. But oh well…as the cliché goes, “There’s always a next time.” So I guess I’ll just have to wait for that time.

Anyway, have to rest now. I need to be perfectly healthy and strong before my first chemotherapy. Till next time! 🙂

iCANCERvive

March 17, 2009

I’m sick.

Actually, I have been sick in the past three months. It’s just not that apparent because I try to hide my ailment from everyone because I really hate it when people see me in my weakest form or when people think that I am too fragile. That is why only those who are really close to me know my real situation. But now, I think I can’t hide it anymore. I just cannot pretend that everything is fine when in reality, I’m deeply wounded. My physical appearance undoubtedly conceals my true condition. There are still a lot of people who think that I just got into an accident, which would explain my use of crutches. Little do they know that I’m just trying to make myself look not sick because I feel awkward whenever people stare at me whenever I walk in a room. Those piercing glances honestly make me feel bad. It’s as if I’m this person who is carrying a very deadly disease to the point that they would do everything just to get themselves away from me. But what can I do? I didn’t wish to be in this position. I didn’t choose to be here. If it had been in my way, I would choose to continue my studies and graduate on time, to be with my friends and act like everything’s perfect, and to be the same old James that I used to be.

At the age of 19, I never thought that I would be diagnosed of having Osteosarcoma. It is the most common bone cancer, which I happen to possess. To be quite honest, it really came to me as a bad surprise when I learned about my condition because I was perfectly healthy prior to my diagnosis. I have been happy and joyful all my life. All my friends and relatives can attest to that. That is why it really makes me sad whenever I think about my condition.

As bad as it may sound, there were really times when I’m in the car then I get to see this person who’s completely homeless lying on the street, then I would just think to myself “Why me? Why not this guy who has relatively nothing much to lose?” Then I would just be left blank; not knowing what to feel. Yeah, I know it’s so selfish and cruel of me to ponder such thing. But I guess the whole cancer thing has not sunk in my mind yet. So, forgive me.

I have also come to realize, now that I’m in this position that we do really tend to forget about how great life is, and how much life has blessed us. Only in times of desperation and desolation do we begin to look back at the things that made our lives special and memorable. Before, I really just value only a limited number of friends because I’m a person who has immense trust issues. I only honestly trust people who I feel comfortable with. But now that I’m out of school, I regret not spending time with most of my friends. I was in this bubble which has prevented me from opening up to other people, and I really, really, seriously regret it.

And now, all I can say is that I’m full of regrets. There are a number of things that I wished I could have done, or could have tried doing, but instead I turned around and backed out. Even if I’m still at the starting point of my treatment, I think I have learned quite a few interesting things already, and I’m excited to learn more as I reach the finish line. And I hope I reach that end point smoothly. That is why I’m securely keeping my fingers crossed till I reach that much awaited point.

But on another note, I feel scared. In the coming weeks, I will be undergoing a series of therapies and a major surgery that could definitely change my whole life. And I am honestly petrified because I think my body and mind are not yet prepared for the changes that are about to happen. When asked by people, I always say that I am ready, but to be really, really honest, I am not. These treatments are very crucial, though vital. But I can’t help but think the of possible bad outcomes that may happen. And I’m scared. I have plans for myself before all this happened, and now I feel like everything has been obliterated in an instant. And I seriously don’t know how to rebuild those plans again because I don’t know where to start, and how to start it. But as my friend would remind me, “Just cross the bridge when you get there.” So, I guess I’ll just do that.

Anyway, I have to rest now. Till next time! 🙂