letter from a broken lad

Before, you said that we’re good. And I just remained quiet. No questions asked. No further arguments. You just said that we’re already good. But what the hell does that mean? Be more specific. Be clearer. Say what you really mean. Just please don’t beat around the bush. You know I would understand. There is a lot of time in this world, but some things are not just meant to take THAT long. So please, I’m begging. Be more direct. Say what you feel and I would, with no any hard feeling, accept whatever it is that you would want to say. I just want things to be more cleared up. I don’t want to play games with you anymore. I’m tired, just so you know. I don’t want to spend my night thinking about our should haves, could haves, and might haves. I want everything to be laid flat and transparent so that there would be no need to assume, to expect, and to get hurt.

And now, it’s different. I’m not sure if it was me who has changed or it is you who did. But either way, I don’t like this change. Things aren’t the same anymore. And I know you know it. But as to whether you like this change or not is still a big mystery to me, so please speak up. Or at least make me feel your side.

And why the sudden change? That’s all I want to know. Speak to me even for a bit. I just want to know. Am I asking for too much? Is IT too much? Please. Answer me. I just need you to enlighten me, to clear my mind, and to allow me to digest every single bit of this situation.

But I guess this is going nowhere. It seems that you have already made up your mind. So I guess that’s basically it. No more phone calls and no more small talks. Just plainly no communication at all.

I’m not sure if our paths would ever cross again. But hey, I would still look forward to seeing you in the future. And maybe, by then, things would be better. But again, I don’t want to keep my hopes high because it would only make me more prone to more failed expectations. And I can’t take any more pain. I believe I have endured enough. Taking in more of such would probably be my instant ticket to the crazy world that people like you have founded. So again, I’m asking you wholeheartedly to make things easier for me. Just be forward. That’s all I’m asking. Nothing more, nothing less. And let’s just see where it would take us.

a shawl of security

A friend once told me to always keep track of my true friends. When I asked him why, he basically told me to just do it. Now, I cannot help but think of who to genuinely trust. I have a long list of friends, and a number of close friends, but the number is too overwhelming to narrow down and assess.

If you were to ask me to identify the people who I consider my true friends, I would probably answer you with a sigh. It is not because of the bogus fact that I do not actually consider anyone, but it would most likely be because of the fact that I have not really thought about it. I can give you like three people right now, and then the rest would be subjected for consideration. 

To name the three, oh yeah, I forgot, I will not drop names here so as to not create conflicts. So anyway, I would just describe them and use code names.

First one would be Twin. We have only been friends for less than 3 years and I must say Twin has been one of the people who I have become comfortable with. Twin and I share a lot of commonalities, thus the name Twin. From the food we eat to the style of fashion we adore, we basically like the same thing. On the other hand, with regards to our personal lives, we try to share with each other both our down and happy moments. We consider ourselves as each other’s outlets whenever we want to let something out of our system, especially when we have negative thoughts or feelings towards something or someone. 

And when one of us is wrong, or when one of us is trying to prove something that is merely nonsensical, we try to be as objective as possible to correct each other’s mistakes. Though we have encountered some scuffles in the past, which by the way really took a toll on me and on our friendship, I am just glad to have Twin with me. I really could not imagine my life without Twin. But I am guessing that a life without Twin would be like a life living without a pair of legs, or an ear, or an eye, or a middle finger (you could not just fuck off someone, ha-ha). I could say a lot more about Twin, but I would just leave it to that.

The second person would be…BigBro. I could not really think of a better name, but I guess BigBro would perfectly fit him. As the name would suggest, I look up to him as my big brother. In my entire existence in this planet, I have never, ever had a big brother to look up to. That is why I feel so lucky to have him with me, though there were times when we often have disagreements on things. But nevertheless, his presence compensates for every misunderstanding that we have had in the past.

The last person would be BigSis. Uh-uh, you guessed it right! Ever since my sister got married and left, she has been the one who somehow have replaced the position of my biological sister. Her words of wisdom never failed to make me realize the things that I should be thankful for. Her small pep talks regarding my problems have always helped me remain sane and far from being paranoid. That is why even though we spend less time with each other, I feel lucky to have her in my life.

Well…that would be it. Three is not bad, right? By the way, for the record, I am not saying that my other close friends are not true to me or whatever. Let’s just say that I have not really fully realized their genuineness towards me as of the moment. But who knows, time makes things happen.

Anyway, what I am trying to say here is that it is important to recognize the people who we truly care for and who truly care for us. But I’m telling you, it’s not that easy to identify those people because sometimes they are not actually the kind of people we believe they are. But hey, it’s only a matter of trusting the right people, so go ahead! Don’t doubt, just believe!