tales of a sober lad

December 6, 2008

stochastic sulks

Filed under: Uncategorized — crossedfingers @ 11:16 am

Ever wondered why even though how hard we try, and how much we have succeeded, everything seems to be not enough? And that you still feel lonely at the end of the day despite of the number of people you interact with moment by moment.

Well, as I was sitting at the end of my room, looking at the sunset as its yellow-orange-ish sunlight passes through my windows; I can’t help but reflect on how my life has been lately, or even in the last couple of years. As I was browsing through the pages of the book that a friend lent me, I noticed that the story seems to be not getting anywhere in my system. It’s as if my mind is preoccupied with something else: something that has been bothering me lately that I actually can neither describe nor explain.

But after a while of ignorance and a little mix of paranoia and disturbance, I somehow finally had a theory. Just like a cloud, which has an erratic form, drifting through the skies without actually having a fixed destination, I find myself having no destination as well.

Throughout the course of my existence, I have been semi-obliged to do things in order to have a good life. Semi because I firmly believe that I was still able to do things my way, having my own disposition determine the decisions and actions that I have made. But why am I doing all these things for? I mean, yeah, I do this and that in order to have a good future. But what the hell is there for me in the future? Like seriously, can you tell me now how your life would be like 20 years from now? Or what would happen to me next year, or even tomorrow? Would I have 10 children and 3 wives? Or would I become a filthy rich man living alone? Come on! Spill it to me now if you know it! But if not, then think about yours!

So now I’m confused. I just wish that there’s a way for me to see, even just for a peek, how things are going to be once I turn 30 or 35 because in one way or another, it could definitely give me a little push to really work hard. Because now that I feel like life has been living me, instead of me living my life, I find it hard to exert some effort in reaching my aspirations.

So pretty much, drinking almost every week, smoking cigarettes once in a while and partying every now and then has been my routine lately because it seems that these three have been my life’s remaining pleasures.

So to put things simply, I have nowhere to go. Add to that is the feeling of how much I feel so fucked up.

Well, I guess I’m just a failure.

Only God knows how hard I tried to please everyone. But I guess I have already reached my satiation point.

I think it’s already just time for me to take care of myself and please myself first before I start pleasing other people again.

But on second thought, I think I would not bother pleasing other people anymore because it’s really just a matter of acceptance. It’s like it’s either you like me or not.

Anyway, I’ll end it here. I’m a little high right now, which explains my random, weird thoughts. And just so you know, I’m not into drugs okay? This entry is merely a result of my natural highness.

And by the way, I so fucking hate ^$#$%#$! That person really brings the worst in me and makes me feel weird things, especially when things are actually fine. Hmmp. Bye!

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